I’ve finally taken a large step in finding a way to cure my most troublesome and dangerous patient. I’ve decided I have to take a full leap and instead of trying to just simply see things from their perspective I need to live their perspective.
I started walking the streets and began to try and view things the way that this client does and it was more than an eye opening experience. It was a rush, a rush that I have never felt before and doubt I will feel again. It scared me, thrilled me and made me feel alive all at once and it may prove to be an addictive feeling. Instead of heading straight home I spent an extra hour on the streets following people around, seeing just how easy it would be to get away with certain acts if I felt inclined to do so.
It made me wonder; why are there not more like this patient? Why is it only the few of us who choose to do these things? It truly must be an imbalance, a mental and chemical thing because the ease with which a person could target, take and have their way with a victim is frightening.
People do not understand how vulnerable they are in this world and how easy it can be for their short lives to come to an even shorter end.
Maybe I should take another walk around to…clear my head.
Dr. Bill Harvey
Friendship is something I am most certainly not looking for, and I would not like to call what the Doctor and I have a friendship, but I will admit I enjoy talking to him more than I thought I would. I would have assumed somebody hearing the things I told them would be calling for my head, or worse, alert the authorities but the good Doctor seems intent on helping me…understanding me.
I’ve tried to make sure the ‘relationship’ is as one way as possible, want him to know me and understand me better but I can’t let him in too deep. If I do our eventual parting of ways will be that much more difficult and I’ve learned that cutting ties requires a clean and emotion free break. I’ve shared some stories with him about some of my conquests. Things I thought that I would not tell anybody and would take with me to the grave but I felt in the moment that he knowing was more important than me keeping them a secret.
It’s good to have somebody that you can…download your thoughts and ideas on to. It creates space for more things and serves as a good sounding board. I’ve even thought of newer and more creative ways to go about some of my hobbies but I’d never let him know that he is just as much a muse to a serial killer as a therapist.
When I feel that I have myself figured out as much as possible then I will make the clean break. I can let him in but only so far because too deep and his claims of being able to ‘heal’ me might actually work and to the contrary I’m not particularly sure I’m in search of a cure.
I like the way I am and I like what I do and I’m ready to do it wherever and whenever to whomever I see fit.
As of now, I have decided that I may not be accepting new clients. I will not be dropping my current ones, but until this patient is cured and/or has this urge and rage inside of him under control, I cannot afford to take on new clients at the risk of taking any energy away from the mammoth task that lies ahead of me.
To be completely honest, I’ve even found myself slightly neglecting the patients I already do have in order to focus. A patient came to see me today and I completely forgot that I had them booked and almost forgot why they were coming to see me in the first place. I just cannot get this other patient out of my mind. It has really put other patients and people in my life into perspective.
Some of the problems we think and say we have pale in comparison. The little everyday things we do that make us think we a ‘crazy’ are absolutely nothing compared to some of the things I’ve heard recently. Really, I should thank this patient; every other patient will be a walk in the park compared to this. He’s made my job in the future much easier, but this all depends on whether I can truly help him.
If this works, I may just go down in history and medical books will be writing about me for years to come.
Dr. Bill Harvey
As I begin to read about myself in reports and the amount of column inches I am racking up slowly grows, I fear that I may begin to be compared to others who have tried and succeeded in my field and I would simply like to address one thing – there is no competition.
I do not do what I do out of a sense of competition or from an egotistical standpoint. I did not develop my hunger for the taking of life out of a search for some sort of fame. It was simply a calling to which I answered. Similar to the way people feel something pulling them and taking them down a path that leads them to their true profession, their true passion, or their true love, my calling too pulled me in the direction. That is something that I would stress for anybody reading my words right now.
When you have that feeling in your stomach, that one feeling that comes out of nowhere that you cannot control, the worst thing you can do is ignore it. I would rather regret the things I have done than regret the things I did not and most of you now reading have probably come to the same conclusion I have over these past few weeks – I have no regrets.
The final part that comes with following your true passion is that you do not view those around you as competition, people who are trying to rain on your parade or obstacles you must overcome. What they do has no bearing on what you do so writers, journalists, bloggers, keep writing and bringing up the names of others. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest and won’t make me change my M.O.
I am and forever will be me.
I am and forever will be Bishman.
I wouldn’t call what happened in our last session a breakthrough, but I am glad to report that my patient might have finally let me in somewhat. Even though it is only a slight insight into his mind, this kernel of information is better than nothing and it means perhaps he is beginning to trust me, and trust is the first step to him allowing me to try and cure him of his sickness.
You realise somebody is trying to reach out to you when they offer information to you without you needing to ask and that is what started to happen. Often in the beginning, those first few sessions, it is a lot of me asking questions and a patient answering those questions very measuredly and abruptly. Eventually there is no need to ask question and information is shared confidently and freely and that is what happened in my last session.
I did not feel as though he was showing off, or attempting to scare me, he just wanted me to understand what is going through his head, and once I feel I have a grasp of that we can continue on to find the right course of actions.
I came away from those first few sessions believing somewhere deep inside of me, that this man was beyond my help. And if he were beyond my help I struggle to see where any help could come from, but now after knowing what I now know, I believe I can help this man.
I am the man for the job.
Dr. Bill Harvey